ON THE ROAD TO JAVEA
EAST-WEST EXCITEMENT:
Or toilets through Europe

Christa Koenig
ON THE BEACH | WRITING | SCHOOLS | WOMBAT | TOILETOLOGY 101
| HOTLINE |

 

TRAVELING FROM SWITZERLAND TO SPAIN IS QUITE A LONG WAY.

A FEW HUMAN STOPS ARE MORE OR LESS NECESSARY. ON THE MOTOR WAY IN SWITZERLAND IT CAN HAPPEN, YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR IT - NOT MUCH, 20 RAPPEN, BUT NOT HAVING 20 RAPPEN AND BEING IN A HURRY, CAN MAKE YOUR LIFE A HELL OR SOMETIMES CHANGE A WOMAN TO A MAN. WHY ON EARTH ARE THEY ONLY CHARGING FOR WOMEN?

ANYHOW, NO PROBLEM, IF YOU HAVE GOT THE "HOMBRE" ALONE FOR YOU. SURPRISED LOOKS, IF A MAN IS JUST DOING HIS BUSINESS, SHOULDN'T STOP YOU, JUST WHEN YOU ENTER THE PRIVATE ROOM. DO IT AS IF IT WOULD BE THE MOST NORMAL THING IN THE WORLD. A FRIENDLY "HELLO" TO HIM AND OUT.

IN SWITZERLAND TOILETS ARE MOSTLY CLEAN. MOSTLY!! I WOULDN'T SAY ONLY THE TOURISTS HAVE TO BE BLAMED. BUT IT SOUNDS BETTER, DEFINITELY. SWISS ARE WASHING MONEY, WHY ON EARTH SHOULD THEY LEAVE A DIRTY TOILET?

AT THE MOTORWAY PETROL STATION, YOU CAN HIT TWO FLIES IN ONE GO, GETTING PETROL AND USING THE STOP FOR IT. THERE THEY DON'T CHARGE,
WHICH IS REALLY VERY NICE. SINCE THE TOILETS ARE MOSTLY HIDDEN BEHIND THE BUILDING, YOU HAVE TO FIND THEM FIRST.

SO YOU CAN READ: "THE KEY IS AT THE COUNTER!" OF COURSE EITHER IN GERMAN OR IN FRENCH. ENGLISH YOU WONT FIND, BECAUSE IT IS NOT A COUNTRY LANGUAGE AND THEREFORE NO NEED FOR IT.

GOING BACK TO THE COUNTER, I WOULD SUGGEST A BIT FASTER, YOU WAIT TILL THE PEOPLE IN THE QUEUE HAVE PAID THEIR PETROL BILLS AND BOUGHT THEIR CHOCOLATES AND CIGARETTES, WHICH TAKES TIME OF COURSE. THEN YOU ASK VERY FRIENDLY, VERY POLITE: "MAY I PLEASE HAVE THE KEY?" HE OR SHE STARTS TO SEARCH. "OH MY GOD! ITS ALWAYS IN HERE, ALWAYS BUT NOT NOW!"

PLEASE WAIT A MINUTE - ONE MINUTE IS OK. STANDING IS NOT GOOD IN THIS SITUATION. BETTER YOU WALK AROUND WITH LITTLE STEPS, TRY TO SMILE, EVEN IF IT'S HARD, BITING ON YOUR TEETH AND DON'T THINK OVER YOUR PROBLEM. HAVE A VERY INTERESTING LOOK AT THE DAILY OFFER, - TOILET PAPER WITH PINK FLOWERS, SOFT VERSION!

OH - A FRIENDLY SMILE FROM THE PERSON BEHIND THE COUNTER - AND A PROMISE - "I FIND IT SOON" DOESN'T HELP MUCH, BUT THE GOOD WILL COUNTS!

THE COUNTDOWN IS STILL RUNNING... AND SOMETHING TOO SOON. ALREADY LEAVING THE FLOOR - BUT STILL SMILING WITH BITING ON YOUR TEETH. THANKS, GOD, HERE IT IS.

CARL LEWIS WAS NOTHING COMPARED TO YOU. A NEW RECORD IS BORN ON THE WAY TO THAT ROOM. KEY IN - TURNING - OPENING THE DOOR - THERE MUST HAVE BEEN THE WHOLE SWISS ARMY IN BEFORE, HAVING DIAREAHEA.

NO PROBLEM! YOU HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN, WHAT YOUR MOTHER TOUGHT YOU - GIRLS CAN ALSO DO IT, IN STANDING POSITION. AND NOW, THANKING GOD AND THE PERSON BEHIND THE COUNTER, SHALL I BE THE ONE TO DO THE CLEANING JOB FOR THE SWISS ARMY? BEING A GOOD SWISS CITIZEN, BORN IN AUSTRIA, OR BELONGING TO THE TOURIST GROUP - LEAVING IT, AS IT WAS?

OK, I CLEAN MY BIT, BRING BACK THE KEY, TELL THE PERSON BEHIND THE COUNTER: "IN YOUR TOILET IS A BIG MESS, SOMEBODY (WAS IT THE WHOLE SWISS ARMY?) LEFT A MESS. OH? NO! NOT ME !" COMES THE REPLY: "WE HAVE SOMEONE IN THIS EVENING TO CLEAN IT." ITS NOW 8 AM.

WITH A NORMAL CONDITION, YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO MANAGE IT, WITH ONE GO THROUGH THE WHOLE OF SWITZERLAND, THREE AND ONE HALF HOURS FROM EAST TO WEST, AND YOU PASS THE BORDER TO THE LOVELY COUNTRY FRANCE.

FRANCE (WELL KNOWN FOR EXCELLENT FOOD, GOOD WINES, ARROGANT PEOPLE, BAD DRIVERS) HAS GOT SPECIAL PLACES FOR NORMAL PROBLEMS. DOESN'T MATTER WHETHER FEMALE OR MALE, BOTH ARE OFFERED - DO IT ON YOUR FEET, A FREE SHOWER FOR YOUR LEGS INCLUDED.

WHEN YOU ENTER THE HOLY PLACE THE FIRST TIME, YOU WILL BE SURPRISED - NOT TO FIND A TOILET SEAT. THERE ARE TWO STEPS FOR YOUR FEET, IT CAN HAPPEN A BIT DIRTY, BUT WHO CARES, WHEN YOU ARE IN A HURRY. IN THE MIDDLE A HOLE FOR THE - EXACTLY FOR THAT!

A VERY GOOD EXERCISE FOR ELDERLY PEOPLE WHO HAVE PROBLEMS WITH THEIR LEGS AND FOR MOTHERS WITH SMALL CHILDREN, TAKING THE OPPORTUNITY TO TRY IF THEY ARE ABLE TO SIT DOWN.

IF YOU ARE LUCKY, THERE IS A CHILD, TRYING TO WATCH TV UNDER YOUR DOOR AND YOU ARE THE MOVIE-STAR.

OF COURSE, TODAY IS YOUR SPECIAL DAY, YOU'RE THE LUCKY ONE, THE ONE, WHO HAS NO TOILET PAPER LEFT!

A FEW ADVENTURERS WALK IN BAREFOOT. NO - THEY DON'T OFFER TOWELS TO DRY YOUR FEET OR YOUR HANDS. BUT WEARING A T-SHIRT SHOULD DO THE SAME JOB.

FRANCE IS A BIT LARGER, WHICH MEANS, YOU HAVE THIS PLEASURE TWICE. BUT IF YOU ARE CLEVER, A QUICK LEARNER AND YOU HAVE GOT LONG ARMS, YOU CAN MANAGE IT THE SECOND TIME LIKE THIS. AFTER FINISHING THE SESSION, IF YOU WANT MUSIC WITH IT, SING YOURSELF, OPEN THE DOOR, AND WITH YOUR FEET OUTSIDE, TRY TO REACH THE BUTTON FOR FLUSHING THE TOILET, SO YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO LEAVE WITH DRY SHOES OR BEING BAREFOOT - DRY FEET.

BAD LUCK TO YOU, IF IT'S SLIPPERY AND YOU DIVE IN. NO, YOU WANT FIND ANY PEARLS AT ALL.

SPAIN - NICE AND WARM, SOMETIMES A BIT RAINY TOO, TOOK OVER THE SAME SYSTEM FROM FRANCE. BUT WHAT HAPPENS, IF YOU FIND THE CLEANING WOMAN IN FRONT OF IT, JUST WHEN YOU NEED IT MOST?

NO PROBLEM - FOR HER AT ALL, SHE IS DOING HER JOB, PUTTING ALL HER UTILITIES IN FRONT OF THE MAIN ENTRANCE. IT DOESN'T HELP AT ALL, TO GO ON YOUR KNEES IN FRONT OF HER, BUT OF COURSE IT'S YOUR DECISION TO DO IT. SHE WILL FINISH HER JOB, FINDING HER SELF-IMPROVEMENT IN SHOWING YOU HER POWER, LETTING YOU WAIT. MAYBE YOU ARE RIGHT: THE REASON WHY THERE ARE SO MANY FLIES AROUND IS PROBABLY PEOPLE DID IT BEHIND THOSE LOVELY TREES.

IN FRANCE AND SPAIN YOU DON'T FIND ANY FRESH AIR-SPRAYS. NOT NECESSARY! THE TOILETS ARE OPEN AT THE BOTTOM AND THE TOP. THE WAY YOU CAN OPEN THE LOCKED DOORS FROM INSIDE IS EITHER, RUIN YOUR NAILS OR CLIMB OVER THE DOOR.

IF YOU CHOOSE THE SECOND POSSIBILITY, GO ON A DIET FIRST AND TRY TO REACH THE FIGURE OF TWIGGY. HERE IS NO LADDER INSIDE, BUT THE LOCK IS A TINY BIT USEFUL TO CLIMB UP. I AM NOT SURE IF THERE ARE OFFERED CLASSES CALLED "TOILET CLIMBING" TO GET EXPERIENCE. SMALL CHILDREN CAN MANAGE IT UNDER THE DOOR, CLEANING THE FLOOR AT THE SAME TIME.

OR JUST DON'T LOCK IT AND WALK OUT AS YOU CAME IN, BUT DON'T FORGET WHEN IN THERE TO HOLD THE DOOR CLOSED. DIFFICULT BUT IF YOU ARE AN ORANGUTAN - NO PROBLEM

IF YOU DON'T MIND OTHER PEOPLE PUSHING THE DOOR IN, CHECKING FOR A FREE ONE, DISTURBING YOU LEAVE IT OPEN. ALL OF THEM WILL USUALLY BE POLITE AND SAY "SORRY" OR BEING LOCAL IN FRANCE "PARDON" AND IN SPAIN "EXCUSA."

GOOD LUCK TO YOU!!!

Copyright ©1999 Christa Koenig
All Rights Reserved
Citation Permitted Only With Credit

BEACH | WRITING | TOP | SCHOOLS | WOMBAT | HOTLINE
TOILETOLOGY 101