PEOPLE AT THE BEACH, HAVING A RELAXED TIME..
A COMEDY IN TWO ACTSChrista Koenig
TOILETS ACROSS EUROPE
WOMBAT
HOTLINE
ON WRITING
SCHOOLS: ROAD AHEAD
ACT ONE
THE WHOLE YEAR ROUND, PEOPLE ARE DREAMING OF THE MOST IMPORTANT THREE "S": SAND, SUN AND.. SEAWATER.
ISN'T IT NICE, TO SIT AT A BEACH, SAND AROUND WHEREVER YOU LOOK, SAND ON YOU, WHEREVER IT SHOULDN'T BE?
NEXT TO YOU: A FAMILY WITH CRYING KIDS, NERVOUS MOTHERS, SNORING FATHERS.
ON THE OTHER SIDE: YOUNG PEOPLE, LISTENING TO THE NEWEST RAVE-MUSIC, OR IS IT THE CARPENTER, HITTING A NAIL IN THE FLOOR?
BEHIND YOU A SPANISH COUPLE, TALKING LIKE A MACHINE GUN - THEY REALLY CAN TALK FOR MINUTES WITHOUT BREATHING.
IN FRONT OF YOU - STILL THE SEA. THE LOVELY BLUE TURQUOISE SEA - WAITING FOR YOU TO SWIM. WARM, A BIT SALTY. DUE TO EARLIER EXPERIENCES YOU LEARNED TO CLOSE YOUR MOUTH.
AFTER SWIMMING A BIT, ITS TIME TO RELAX.
BACK TO YOUR UMBRELLA AND YOUR CHAIR. BUT HOW TO GET THERE?
IN THE MEANTIME HALF OF THE POPULATION OF EUROPE HAS OCCUPIED THE FREE SPACE. AMAZING, HOW MANY PEOPLE FROM DIFFERENT COUNTRIES CAN PUT THEIR TOWELS AND CHAIRS IN SUCH A SHORT TIME ON SUCH A SMALL SPARE PLACE OF SAND.
AFTER STANDING ON EIGHT LEGS, 12 TOWELS, THREE LITTLE SAND TOYS, I STOPPED SAYING "EXCUSE ME" AFTER THE THIRD TIME. AM HAPPILY SITTING IN MY CHAIR - HEARING SPANISH, DUTCH, GERMAN, SWISS-GERMAN, FRENCH, SWEDISH AND A FEW OTHER LANGUAGES. NOT TALKING ABOUT DIFFERENT TASTES IN MUSIC.
AND THEN, YOU CANNOT BELIEVE IT!
AN ENGLISH COUPLE ARRIVING.
SHE - WEARING A DRESS, A BIT OVERDRESSED FOR THE BEACH.
HE - SHORT TROUSERS, WHITE LEGS AND WHITE ARMS, A T-SHIRT PROCLAIMING:
"I AM MEMBER OF THE EUROPEAN UNION"THE T-SHIRT BLACK.. THE LETTERS RED, LUCKY HIM...
WHY HAVE THEY GOT SO MANY BAGS? IT CAN'T BE, THAT THEY HAVE JUST ARRIVED FROM THE AIRPORT!
HMM, TWO CHAIRS, ONE UMBRELLA, A HUGE COOLER BOX...MORE LIKE A FRIDGE. AND ALL THOSE PLASTIC BAGS.
BOTH WEARING HATS.
SORRY, HIS IS JUST ON THE WAY TO THE SEA - FLYING WITH THE WIND. A BIT DIFFICULT FOR HIM TO RUN AFTER IT WITH BOTH HANDS FULL AND ALL THE LEGS AROUND.
THERE IT GOES. BYE BYE NICE STRAW HAT, MADE IN CHINA, BOUGHT IN ENGLAND, TRAVELED TO SPAIN, NOW ON THE WAY TO AFRICA. THE FORMER OWNER LOOKING AFTER IT, BUT NO WAY WAVING GOOD BYE .
HE BEGINNING TO LOOK AROUND.
BUT WITH 40 DEGREES HEAT, YOU CAN'T EXPECT MANNERS FROM OTHER MEMBERS OF THE EUROPEAN UNION.. AND THE NONMEMBERS DON'T BELONG TO THE CLUB, SO NO NEED FOR RUNNING AFTER IT.
NOW, NEXT PROBLEM, WHERE SHOULD THEY SIT?
TURNING TO THE RIGHT- UMBRELLAS.
TURNING TO THE LEFT - UMBRELLAS.
IN FRONT, BEHIND - THE SAME!THERE, A TINY BIT OF FREE SAND. THE ENGLISH LADY STILL DRESSED! THE ENGLISH GENTLEMAN, IN CHARGE OF THE UMBRELLA. SWEATING, LEGS AND ARMS STILL WHITE, FACE COMPLETELY RED.
NOW, WOULD I LIE, NOT CALLING HIM A HANDY-MAN? IT SEEMS, HE DIDN'T EARN A DEGREE IN PUTTING AN UMBRELLA IN THE SAND.
HE HAS A BIGGER AUDIENCE THAN MICHAEL JACKSON ON TOUR. IT DOESN'T HELP HIM MUCH, BUT SOMEHOW IT MAKES HIM NERVOUS. THE LADY STILL DRESSED!
AFTER LOOSING SOME WEIGHT AND AND UTTERING A WORD NOT VERY GENTLEMAN-LIKE, THE UMBRELLA IS IN FULL BLOSSOM.
MAKE YOURSELF FEEL AT HOME - ISN'T THAT EASY? THE LADY IS STILL DRESSED!
THE GENTLEMAN NEARLY LOST ONE OF HIS FINGERS, OPENING A CHAIR FOR HER - ANOTHER NOT GENTLEMAN-LIKE WORD.
AND THE NEIGHBORING BOY, HE IS ENGLISH, TOO - AND TO HIS MOTHER HE SAYS:
"MUMMY, WHY DID THE MAN SAY 'SHIT'"?
REPLIES THE THE MOTHER :
"PETER! WHERE ARE YOUR MANNERS?"
"MUMMY, I DIDN'T SAY 'SHIT'- IT WAS HIM!" PETER REPLIES.
THE LADY IS STILL DRESSED, BUT SITTING NOW. TWO BAGS ON HER KNEES, THE FRIDGE, SORRY COOLER BOX IN THE SHADE TOO -
HE MANAGES TO OPEN THE SECOND CHAIR WITHOUT LOOSING ANOTHER FINGER. ONE BAG ON THE NEIGHBOR'S CLAIM. AND WIND...DANGEROUS WIND.
TRYING TO TAKE CARE OF THE ENGLISH UMBRELLA. WHO IS THE WINNER?
A GERMAN GUY, MEMBER OF THE EUROPEAN UNION. HE, TOO, IS HELPING (GERMANY IS USED TO THAT ROLE....)
HE KNOCKS THE UMBRELLA DEEPER IN THE SAND, DOING A FANTASTIC JOB, BECAUSE THE LADY IS STILL UNDER THE UMBRELLA, COVERED UP BY IT, USING IT NOW AS SECOND HAT ON TOP OF HERS - HER SEA VIEW HAS GONE OF COURSE,
HIS FACE: FERRARI - RED NOW. THE AUDIENCE SMILING, SOME LAUGHING, ENJOYING THE FREE SHOW.
END OF ACT ONE (THE TWO ACTORS SITTING ON THEIR CHAIRS, THE UMBRELLA FIXED, THE LADY STILL DRESSED.)
ACT TWO
MY HOME IS MY CASTLE. THE AUDIENCE RELAXED, THE ACTORS HUNGRY...
OPENING THE FIRST BAG, NO, NO SWIMSUITS OR TOWELS - LITTLE WHITE TABLE NAPKINS, PUTTING THEM ON THEIR KNEES, HOLDING WITH ONE HAND, THE WIND IS STILL HERE. SHE IS STILL DRESSED, HIS FACE STILL RED. THE AUDIENCE WAITS.
PLASTIC PLATES, TWO KNIVES, TWO FORKS, TWO GLASSES. VERY DIFFICULT TO PLACE ON TWO KNEES, THE GLASSES DOWN IN THE SAND. NEXT BAG. BREAD, SALT AND PEPPER.
THE LADY STILL DRESSED! THE AUDIENCE WAITING FOR THE MENU. WHAT'S NEXT?
BELIEVE IT OR NOT - LUNCH IN STYLE, SORRY IN SAND! AN APPERITIVO - GLASS OF SHERRY NOT IN STYLE BUT IN PLASTIC. STRANGE LOOKS EXCHANGED AMONG THE AUDIENCE.
HIDDEN SMILES TOO.. DINNER FOR ONE?
RELAXING NOW ON THE ENGLISH SIDE. AFTER FINISHING THE SHERRY ... A BOTTLE OF WATER. NO - NOT FOR DRINKING, FOR CLEANING THE PLASTIC-GLASSES.
THE COOLER BOX IS NOW BEING OPENED, A SMALL SIZED BOTTLE OF WHITE WINE ; GRILLED CHICKEN LEGS AND SOMETHING OUT OF A TUPPERWARE-BOX.
LOOKS LIKE RICE-SALAD, BUT NOT BEING IN THE FIRST ROW - I WOULDN'T SWEAR ON IT.
THE NEIGHBOUR-BOY PETER IS BORED, PLAYING WITH A SMALL BALL. HIS MOTHER SENDING A WARNING LOOK TO HIM.
THE LADY STILL DRESSED!
THE GENTLEMAN AFTER A SHERRY AND HALF A GLASS OF WHITE WINE SEEMS AGAIN MEMBER OF THE FERRARI TEAM:
A BIT OF CHICKEN ON HIS SHIRT AND AROUND HIS MOUTH, TRYING TO SOLVE THE PROBLEM WITH THE NICE WHITE TABLE NAPKIN.. BUT WITH THE PLATE ON HIS LEG.. THE PIECE OF BREAD ON HIS OTHER LEG.. A BIT OF A PROBLEM....
THE LADY WAS VERY HUNGRY.. NO LEFTOVERS IN HER MOUTH... . THE AUDIENCE LOVES THE FOOD VIEW - SOME WITH ONLY A PIECE OF BREAD TO BITE INTO.
ANOTHER SIP OF WHITE WINE. PLATES ARE ON THEIR KNEES. THEY USE THEIR FINGERS NOW TO FINISH ANOTHER CHICKEN LEG.
AND THEIR GOOD FRIEND, THE MEDITERRANEAN WIND SAYS HELLO AGAIN. THE PLASTIC PLATE FROM THE LADY MAKES A TRIP TO THE NEIGHBORS' TOWEL, LOOSING ALL THE RICE .. "OH MY GOD!!!!!! I AM SO SORRY!"
(SHAME ON YOU)
THE GENTLEMAN BEING A GENTLEMAN JUMPING UP ON HIS FEET, TOTALLY FORGETTING HIS PLATE ON HIS KNEES. NOW ITS IN THE SAND, TOGETHER WITH THE SECOND CHICKEN LEG AND THE RICE, AND THE HALF OF LOVELY COOL CHARDONAY TOO.. WHAT A WASTE OF FOOD...
PICKING UP EVERYTHING... THE AUDIENCE LAUGHING - NO APPLAUSE YET.. MAYBE BECAUSE HE SAID ANOTHER TIME THIS NON-GENTLEMAN-WORD? ANYHOW, THE LADY STILL DRESSED!
THE LUNCH IS BROKEN UP. THE PLATES, FORKS AND KNIVES GO BACK IN THE PLASTIC BAG, TOGETHER WITH SOME SAND.
HE TAKES OFF HIS SHIRT NOW. THE LADY STILL DRESSED, CREATING A NEW FASHION STYLE, UMBRELLA ON TOP OF THE HAT... OK THE COLORS DON'T MATCH..
BUT KARL LAGERFELD DOESN'T SEE IT...
TIME FOR SUNSCREEN NOW- HE PUTS IT ON HIS LEGS, HIS ARMS, HIS BODY AND A FEW DROPS ON THE TROUSERS TOO... OFFERING IT TO THE LADY.
SHE SEEMS NOT TO FEEL WELL. CAN'T HEAR WHAT SHE SAYS, BUT IT MUST HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH HER FASHION-CREATION. THE GENTLEMAN IS LIFTING THE UMBRELLA A BIT UP. A PROUD LOOK TO THE AUDIENCE.
SEA VIEW IS BACK AGAIN!
HE REALLY DESERVES HIS CIGAR NOW!! BUT, HE PREFERS IT LIGHTED, NOT TO SMOKE IT COLD. THAT GIVES A BIT OF A PROBLEM.
TURNING TO THE RIGHT - A FLAME FOR TWO SECONDS, TURNING TO THE LEFT - ALSO HERE THE SAME GREETINGS FROM THE WIND.
HE LOOKS AT THE STILL DRESSED LADY, BEGGING FOR HELP. SHE, WOW... SHE'S GETTING UNDRESSED NOW!
TAKING HER HAT OFF. HE, ABLE TO LIGHT HIS CIGAR BEHIND THE HAT, SENDING SOME SMOKE MESSAGES TO HIS GOOD FRIENDS THE SIOUX-INDIANS. LOOKING VERY HAPPY NOW.
BUT NOT THE SPANISH GRANDMOTHER, TWO CHAIRS AWAY FROM HIM, BEING ABLE TO READ THOSE MESSAGES... A VERY DISGUSTING LOOK FROM HER .- HE - PRETENDING HE DIDN'T SEE IT - HIDING BEHIND HIS SUNGLASSES. ENJOYING SMOKING.
THE LADY DRESSED AGAIN.
THE AUDIENCE IS NOW EITHER TALKING, SLEEPING - OR A FEW TAKING A BREAK TO GO FOR A SWIM.
TRYING NOT TO STAND ON TOO MANY LEGS. ME - READING AGAIN ENJOYING THE RELAXING TIME AT THE BEACH, WHERE SAND SUN AND SEAWATER ARE PLEASING US ALL.
AND LETTING US FORGET THE HECTIC TIMES DURING THE YEAR.
